i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize