My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I will pee on everything he values.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
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