JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
