hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
