he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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