sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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