The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
