My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
