I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
