My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
