Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
