I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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