i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
