I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
