If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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