is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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