i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
