Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
