her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
