Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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