It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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