i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
where are my eyebrows?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
