omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
