I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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