thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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