I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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