ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Did I show you my penis last night?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
