you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
