My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
