Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize