Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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