just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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