Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
