Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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