Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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