well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
