ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
