We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize