On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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