Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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