The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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