Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
