Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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