so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
