hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
