Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
