I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize