my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
