You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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