I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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