either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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