why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
