12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you didnt know i had herpes?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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