Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
