Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
