the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
