The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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