woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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