There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
The air was thick with penises
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
