Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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