I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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