I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
