if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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